Inspiration

I've been inspired to start writing again. It's been so long.  I feel like I'm always doing doing doing for everyone.  I never do anything for me.  Don't get me wrong, I love doing for others. It makes me happy, but sometimes I do so much for everyone else that I forget about my own wants and needs.  All I can think about right now is graduating from Cosmetology school and getting the hell out of South Carolina.  I love Columbia, but I do not want to be in the south for the rest of my life. 

So much has happened this year. My heart was broken by the only guy I have ever loved, and I lost the only person I ever considered to be a true friend. I never in my life thought I would lose someone to suicide.  Why would you think that? I miss Lindsey every second of every day.  January 8th will be a year, and there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not thinking of her. I can still hear her voice in my head.  Her beautiful smile will forever be tattooed in my mind. 

Lindsey's death is something I haven't really talked about with many people.  It's been too hard to even think about, let alone talk about it.  I'm not the same person I was a year ago.  I used to be the girl that everyone loved to be around. Always laughing, smiling, and just plain out goofy. Now, I'm just a bore.  I don't know how to be that girl again.  I've gotten better, but I still struggle.  I know it takes time to get over something like that, but I'm tired of feeling this way.  Maybe it's the guilt.  Maybe it's the constant replay in my mind of how I could have stopped it.  Maybe it's the last words I ever said to her.  Why was I so hateful?  I was too caught up in my own stupid life to stop and think about how much she needed me.  The signs were all there, I was just too blind to notice at the time.  Some best friend I was. I hope she knew how much I loved her, and I still do.

I wish I could be happy again.  I would love to have a man to be happy with.  The only guys that seem to be interested in me are the guys who are highschool drop outs, lazy, and have no goals for their lives. That's not what I want.  I want a man I can sit down and have an intelligent conversation with. Someone who makes me feel important.  I think I deserve at least that much.  Where is he?