Speak Now

I find it quite surprising how terribly hard it is to tell someone how you feel about them. Hell, you're even afraid to compliment them because you're afraid it's going to give them a tiny hint of how you feel. People are always telling me that the worst thing that could happen is that they won't feel the same way about you, but they're wrong.

I'm not one who dates a lot. I'm very particular, and I know exactly what I want. Rarely do I meet someone who I am instantly interested in, but there's something different about him. I can honestly say that I have never met anyone like him before in my life. He's one of a kind. If only he knew I felt that way. Whenever I'm around him I get this overwhelming sense of happiness. Just his presence alone brightens my day. He's smart, sophisticated, mature, and strikingly handsome. I have never been so attracted to someone's intelligence. The way his eyes light up when he smiles is an out of this world kind of beauty. Every move he makes is beautiful.

He has no idea how amazing he is. He will also never know how I feel. I'm not the aggressive type. I'm never going to make a move in fear of him never speaking to me again. I have so much love in my heart, and I would love to have the opportunity to share it again with someone special. Someone who is willing to share their love with me in return.

I know all of this sounds kind of juvenile, but I can't keep these thoughts in forever. I believe it's unhealthy to keep your feelings inside for too long. The words you'll regret the most are the words left unspoken. I guess you can call me a hypocrite since I have yet to tell this guy my feelings. I hope some day I will build up the courage before it's too late.

Why can't I write?

Why can't I write?

Why can't I write?

It's something I used to do so well, so easily. Now, it's just shit.

I have so many ideas in my head, so many thoughts. Why do they sound stupid as soon as they hit the paper? I hope this improves soon!

I miss music.

I miss the sensation of the guitar strings against my fingers.

Most of all, I miss singing. It was a feeling unlike any other.

Where did my passion go?

I'm taking a 2 hour road trip by myself today to Huntington to see some old friends.

I can't wait. 

I haven't seen them since the summer.

  I hate that they live so far away.

I especially miss Russell...

Today has most definitely been horrible.  What's the point of Thanksgiving if your own family doesn't even want to spend time with you?  All I wanted was a couple of hours of your time, but that was too much to ask.  What's the point in trying to explain your feelings when they're just going to ball them up and just throw them back in your face?  My family used to be the one place I felt comfortable, but now I feel like I'm not even a part of this family anymore.  Obviously, what I do isn't good enough.  I'm selfish and I don't want anyone else to be happy.  Fuck it all.  I just don't care anymore.  I'm tired of trying to explain myself.  I should have just stayed home.  I'd much rather spend the whole weekend in bed doing absolutely nothing than be here in this house full of tension.  When does my happiness begin?  I wish I had someone to talk to...

Inspiration

I've been inspired to start writing again. It's been so long.  I feel like I'm always doing doing doing for everyone.  I never do anything for me.  Don't get me wrong, I love doing for others. It makes me happy, but sometimes I do so much for everyone else that I forget about my own wants and needs.  All I can think about right now is graduating from Cosmetology school and getting the hell out of South Carolina.  I love Columbia, but I do not want to be in the south for the rest of my life. 

So much has happened this year. My heart was broken by the only guy I have ever loved, and I lost the only person I ever considered to be a true friend. I never in my life thought I would lose someone to suicide.  Why would you think that? I miss Lindsey every second of every day.  January 8th will be a year, and there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not thinking of her. I can still hear her voice in my head.  Her beautiful smile will forever be tattooed in my mind. 

Lindsey's death is something I haven't really talked about with many people.  It's been too hard to even think about, let alone talk about it.  I'm not the same person I was a year ago.  I used to be the girl that everyone loved to be around. Always laughing, smiling, and just plain out goofy. Now, I'm just a bore.  I don't know how to be that girl again.  I've gotten better, but I still struggle.  I know it takes time to get over something like that, but I'm tired of feeling this way.  Maybe it's the guilt.  Maybe it's the constant replay in my mind of how I could have stopped it.  Maybe it's the last words I ever said to her.  Why was I so hateful?  I was too caught up in my own stupid life to stop and think about how much she needed me.  The signs were all there, I was just too blind to notice at the time.  Some best friend I was. I hope she knew how much I loved her, and I still do.

I wish I could be happy again.  I would love to have a man to be happy with.  The only guys that seem to be interested in me are the guys who are highschool drop outs, lazy, and have no goals for their lives. That's not what I want.  I want a man I can sit down and have an intelligent conversation with. Someone who makes me feel important.  I think I deserve at least that much.  Where is he?